So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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