i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
