Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
