Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
