Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
