I want to stick my p in your. b.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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