It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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