I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
