Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
