Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Sorry about my life...
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
