Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
