I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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