You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
