I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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