I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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