that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
