About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
