I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
