i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
