I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
