DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
