omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize