dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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