I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
