We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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