just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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