I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
