Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
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