when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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