You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
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She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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