I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
you will always have a special place in my vag
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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