there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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