dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
