mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
