The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Randomize
