Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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