this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
So vagazzling was a success
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
