he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
