How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
