my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
