Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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