how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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