Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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