Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
