I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
