It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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