i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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