Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
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