I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize