Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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