I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
