I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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