I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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