we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
