Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
