It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
At least make sure they are 18
Why
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
