i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
