I want to stick my p in your. b.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
