We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
