I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
