Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
