I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
